Monday, March 8, 2010 by Dana.

Last night I gave my own personal commentary on Twitter as I watched the Oscars.  If you missed it or don’t follow me on Twitter, here is a summary in reverse order (first tweet at bottom, most recent tweet at top), so you may want to read from the bottom up. 

• Hurt Locker puts a hurting on the others! Bummed that I haven’t seen it yet… and @Karen_Kline just turned the channel to Big Love. #oscars

• ZOMG! Is Jesse James crying in that cut-away shot? #oscars

• I think @Karen_Kline might go back to brunette to just to get more “you look like Sandra Bullock” comments. #oscars

• Props to the ceremony planners for the cool introductions of the Best Actor nominees #oscars

• Baldwin & Martin in snuggies! Best infomercial moment of the #oscars

• Avatar special effects made Sigourney Weaver look hot again - of course it would win! #oscars

• WTF? Interpretive dance routine from Napoleon Dynamite? Will you get to Best Pitcture award soon? #oscars

• Demi Moore, why did you skip the John Hughes tribute? And why did you let them paint you orange like Sarah Jessica Parker? #oscars

• Winner of sound something? Is that the villian from Die Hard? You’re brother squealed when I broke is F’ing neck! #oscars

• Half way through… lost 1 follower, gained 1.  #oscarcommentary

• Can you say condescending bitch? Nobody still knows who are.  What was your name? #oscars

• Mo’nique can probably give Mo’lovin. But wouldn’t want to piss her off - Mo’slappin! #oscars

• Don’t know what to say? Start with “Thank you!” And this guy is a writer? #fail #oscars

• Delightful squeal (from me this time) for Rachel McAddams #oscars

• Yes! Love the new Cottonelle Roll Over! 72% of us can’t be wrong! #oscarcommercials

• Couldn’ t they have done Best Make-up off the air? Did they just owe Stiller air time? #oscars

• Roger Ross WIlliams ran down to the stage from the back like he was the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Bid well! #oscars

• I think me and several million others killed imdb.com looking up some of this movie history and such #oscars

• Ok.. no knocks about John Hughes! I grew up with those movies! #oscars

• I have to see the Hurt Locker now. Just because I want to know why it has such a lame title. #oscars

• Do you feel extraordinary when you have diet coke WITH Jack Daniels? I feel invincible after 4 & asleep after 5. #oscarcommercials

• Another delightful squeal from @Karen_Kline “oohhh Chris Pine” #oscars

• Randy Newman tried to stack the deck with 2 songs! Nice try! #oscars

• Squirrel!!! #oscars

• More squeals of delight from @Karen_Kline for Ryan Reynolds #oscars

• I didn’t see a single movie from the Best Actor category. They must all suck. #oscars

• I like the bald Jeff Bridges from Ironman, but this facial hair is better. #oscars

• And this is Alec Baldwin. Classic! #oscars

• Shouldn’t they have gay men dancing in support of Neil Patrick Harris’ opening song? Wait… they’re there. #oscars

• Kathy Ireland! Even hotter than when in Necessary Roughness! I just eye-F’d her but she didn’t notice me through the camera #oscars

• Meryl Streep would be the coolest mom! You know she would totally party with you & probably drink you under the table! #oscars

• Good to see Kate Winslett being thinner than the fat Cameron Diaz, even if that Revolutionary Road movie sucked! #oscar

• WTF? Miley Cyrus is in the top 100 influential women? Too many sheep out there if you are a woman and influenced by her. #oscars

• Sadly, only 133 followers and my 13 yr old gets to see how witty I can be tonight #oscars commentary

• Cameron Diaz looks like she has been eating all of Sandra Bullock’s meals this week. Looks 20lbs from her Shallow Hal weight. #oscars

• Why is Sarah Jessica Parker colored orange? Is she the anti-Na’vi? #oscars

• Wife (@Karen_Kline) just squealed with delight, “Ahhh Ryan Reynolds! ” as he got 1.23 seconds of camera time #oscars

• Sandra Bullock did the “don’t eat for 1 wk before the Oscars” diet. Quick, someone give her a cheeseburger before she passes out!

• 5 min til I start tweeting about Oscar events you all watched an hour ago! Follow me if you are also slow

• The AZ timezone sucks for watching live events. I get to watch everything an hour everyone else is done talking about it.

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Sunday, March 7, 2010 by Dana.

Don’t stay at “historic” hotels if you want comfort, a nice bed, and a shower that does more than give you a warm water mist… and don’t eat the chef special because it just might be the nasty, old meat they are trying not to throw away.

Last night the wife and I drove up to Prescott from sunny Phoenix to party on historic Whiskey Row with our friend’s band. This time we decided to stay at the historic Hotel St. Michael just 2 doors down from the bar where our friend was playing.  We arrived around 8pm and checked-in to our 8’ x 10’ room with a view of the brick wall of the building next door.  We split the chef special at the hotel’s Bistro, washing it down with dirty vodka martinis.

We made it to Matt’s Saloon to have a drink with our friend’s band on their first set break. Over the 90 minutes, we danced and drank a little. Then at the start of the third set, the wife got sick.  Something came over her quickly, so we marched back to the hotel on the corner.  She fell asleep trying to make her tummy feel better, and I fell asleep next to her.  Then I developed the same stomach cramps with a bad headache sometime in the middle of the night.  We now think we both picked up some mild food poisoning from the meal we shared at the Bistro.  In the late morning, we rolled out of bed and hit the road after a quick shower.

The point of all this background information?  Now you know why you should not stay at “historic” hotels if you want comfort, a nice bed, and a shower that does more than give you a warm water mist… and don’t eat the chef special because it just might be the nasty, old meat they are trying not to throw away.

We’ll go back to staying at the Wyndham from now

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Thursday, March 4, 2010 by Dana.

As a youth baseball coach for the past 16 years, this crime really bothers me.  Good umpires for youth baseball are hard to find, and nearly all of them take more crap from parents eager to relieve their glory years through their boys.  You never hear a parent yell to their son, “be a good sport and accept the call that was made”.

http://www.azfamily.com/news/Payson-couple-accused-of-pocketing-money-paid-for-Little-League-umpires-86294562.html

So you have these underpaid umpires that range from high school kids to out of work parents to retirees, and they agree to be heckled and harassed for $25-$30 per game… to later be cheated out of their money by a couple of greedy scumbags.  Based on the mug shots showing the extra chins, they must have been using the money to dine out at the waffle house way too much.

What are your thoughts?

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Sunday, February 28, 2010 by Dana.

The General Manager where I work gave me these nice Clubhouse tickets for Championship Sunday at the Waste Management Phoenix Open with a Valet Parking pass.  Sweet, right?  I don’t golf and never really attended a golf event to watch.  I have usually gone to take advantage of some vendor’s free stuff.  Mostly, we (my wife and I) really didn’t know what to expect about attending and being in the Clubhouse. I’d thought it would be cool. I was excited about attending and getting to watch from the Clubhouse hanging out with people with large disposable incomes.

The Clubhouse did have a great brunch buffet (free), all the drinks were complimentary (with well liquor), and the view of the 18^th green was nice (if we stood up to watch over everyone else standing up).  Other than that…  Nothing!  It turns out that only non-Golf fans can have fun by drinking too much or by being with the nutty crowd on the famous 16^th hole.  You could hear some loud cheers and boos from the 16^th hole in the distance, and when Team USA tied the hockey game against Canada with time running out, there was a loud roar from the all the sky boxes with TV’s.  So if everyone is watching TV in the sky boxes, it can’t rank high on the excitement meter to watch golf live.

We did walk down to the 16^th hole to check on the fun, but we didn’t feel like walking through mud to get to the bleachers, so we walked back to the Clubhouse for a final drink before leaving for the day. Basically, we spent the afternoon on a chilly patio drinking weak Bloody Mary’s, trying to avoid the urge to eat out of boredom.  It goes without saying that I would never waste money on paying to attend such an event, and if I get offered free tickets again, I’ll see sell them or try to trade them for a something more enjoyable, which could be almost anything including a back hair waxing.

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Monday, February 22, 2010 by Dana.

A risqué web site offered the City of Phoenix $10 million to rename the airport for 5 years. This is analogous to businesses putting their lame names on beloved stadiums.  The question is… where does it stop?  Will we see a company like this drop $10 Million to pay people to wrap their cars to advertise their website?  Will troubled businesses add this company’s name in front of their automotive or airplane logos?  Will they convince a nearly bankrupt city, county, or state to rename train stations, parks, zoos, museums or other public facilities?

Sooner or later, it will happen… only in Disturbia!

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010 by Dana.

A picture is worth a thousand words… so I made this to describe what my dogs are like in the back yard.

By drk0524 | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

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Sunday, February 14, 2010 by Dana.

It may sound like a silly question, but let’s pretend that it isn’t for a moment and list reasons your dog deserves something on Valentine’s Day.

Your dog:

1. Loves you unconditionally

2. Is always happy to see you

3. Will spoon with you without wanting sex

4. Will kiss you no matter where your mouth has been or how bad your breath is

5. Doesn’t care if you have if you have gained a few pounds or if you are having a bad hair day

6. Make great snuggle blankets

7. Can learn new tricks

8. Will not criticize you or bring up the fact that you forget to clean, cook, or do some other semi-important task

9. Is always willing to spend time with you

10. Will eat anything you make

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Friday, February 12, 2010 by Dana.

How would you feel if your neighbor did this?

1. Don’t care
2. Angry and would let them know it
3. Report them to the HOA
4. Upset but pretend you don’t notice
5. Trip your shrubs like a breasts or a vagina
6. Excited about the traffic increase at your lemonade stand
7. Make a mental note to invite them to more pool parties

Note: You may pick more than 1 of the above.

Posted in Sex, parents, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | 3 Comments »

Wednesday, February 10, 2010 by Dana.

During a business dinner tonight, a co-worker asked how my coaching activities were going.  I was telling him that my middle child was now on 2 teams, having made his 7^th grade team.  I coach his club team, and I was talking about how so many of the boys on our club team had made their school teams.  This was rewarding for me because the club team had been put together specifically to help get the boys ready for their school team tryouts.  My wife then chimed in with “You’ve coached all the boys that  made the school team, right?”.

I paused to think, and then I realized… yes, almost.  In fact, I have coached 12 of the 14 boys, and the other 2 I have coached against.  I also have coached for or against nearly all the 8^th grade boys and the 7^th and 8^th grade teams at neighboring schools.  It gives me a great sense of accomplishment to have been able to see these boys grow and develop in baseball and in life.  Youth baseball coaches don’t get paid, volunteer large amounts of time, and spend money out of their own pockets for gear… and we don’t ask for anything in return. We do it because we want to, and we do it because we like seeing the boys grow and improve because of our contribution.

If you are a youth sports coach, I tip my hat and extend my thanks to you for all that you do.

If you are a parent, let your coach know that he/she is appreciated. It means a lot to us.

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Sunday, February 7, 2010 by Dana.

The day of the big game… As usual, we have several options for watching it, but we choose to stay home.  Why?  A variety of reasons, but having an awesome wide-screen HDTV and surround sound system is NOT one of them.

Instead of discussing why we don’t go elsewhere, let me explain the advantages of staying home (not necessarily in order).

1. The kids are welcome
2. Inexpensive, higher quality food
3. No mark-up on the beer & liquor
4. No line for a clean bathroom
5. No drinking & driving risks
6. The dogs get to be there
7. Comfy couch
8. No tipping required
9. Easier to tweet during the game
10. Unlikely to get drinks spilled on us
11. No waiting for overburdened wait staff (the cooler is next to the couch).
12. No drama with other party guests
13. Kids can go to their own room if they a bored.
14. Screaming loud at the TV will not annoy any strangers
15. Nobody will see how big of a wuss I am when I eat seriously spicy guacamole
16. Added excitement of avoiding a dog attack when you get carried away with your high-fives
17. The ability to switch to an HBO movie if the game gets one-sided
18. We can watch the game wearing whatever we want, which means wife doesn’t have to keep re-applying lip gloss.
19. Pre-game co-ed showers (in the privacy of the master bathroom of course).
20. Half-time cul-de-sac football game!

Posted in Alcohol, kids, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »