Sunday, July 4, 2010 by Dana.

My wonderful wife, Karen, is on her (now annual) vacation to KY to visit her family with our 2 younger sons (Shade & Seth) and dogs.  She leaves me in Disturbia to hang out with my oldest son, Tyler.  Now that she has had a few visits, I can give you a basic story line of how her vacation goes before it happens.  This is how it generally works.

Days 1-2 – The Drive

Karen spends 2 grueling days driving long hours to get to KY as fast as is possible with 2 kids and large dogs.  During the drive out, there is a 50% chance of a getting a speeding ticket.  The highlights of the drive will include a photo of the youngest boy, Seth, with a dog asleep on his lap in the backseat and a story of how Shade got multiple semi’s to honk by giving the “honk your horn” gesture to the drivers.

Days 3-5 – The Joy of KY

For the first few days, everything is wonderful. The dogs are having fun running on the farm. The kids are enjoying the free range as well.  Basically, everyone is enjoying being loud, obnoxious, and generally free of neighbors 20 yards away behind the block wall.  There will be a couple complaints about family, but it is generally laughed off as no big deal.  We have a couple broken phone calls due to poor mobile phone service at the family farm, and the text messages are related to missing each other and wishing I had gone to KY with them.

Days 6-7 – This Got Old Quick

Just as Ben Franklin said, “Fish and visitors stink after three days.”  In this case, Karen, the kids, and the dogs are the stinky visitors.  During these days, politeness begins to break down, and Karen has an intoxicated moment of honesty where she realizes how much she really doesn’t enjoy the small town atmosphere.  She decides to just deal with everyone as best as possible because the kids are having such a great time.

Days 8-12 – Venture Out

In this middle part of the vacation, Karen focuses on getting off the farm to visit places she has missed such as King’s Island, Newport on the Levee, the baseball park, etc.  Also, Karen usually finds at least a couple different people to go out drinking with her (so she doesn’t have to drive). At least one of the drinking buddies will be someone she hasn’t been out with since high school or someone she met on-line.

Days 13-16 – Coming Out of Turn Four

By this time, Karen is very ready to return to Disturbia, Shade is bored with the farm, and Piper has bitten more than 3 family members or pets.  Karen’s family shows signs of fatigue trying to keep up with her, Shade, Seth, & the dogs.

Days 17-19 – The Return to Home Stretch

Karen has planned her departure details, ranted about family members via text messages, and got on-line to tweet or chat for the purpose of making fun of people that she used to go to high school with that are now big losers.  Shade has packed for the return trip, and Seth wants to move to KY. Seth has also slept in Karen’s bed every night even though he was too old for that 3 years ago.

Days 20-21 – Fast Drive Home

Karen sets out with the idea of taking a more leisure drive home, but she ends up making the trip back in 28 hours of driving over 2 days.  If she didn’t get a speeding ticket on the way out, there is a 100% chance she will get one on the way back.  Otherwise, it is a 50% chance of getting a ticket.

Posted in parents, vacation, travel, kids, Neighbors, Suburbia, Pets, Disturbed | Print | 1 Comment »

Saturday, June 12, 2010 by Dana.

Living in Disturbia, I’ve observed that people own things they just don’t need here.  Here are my top 5 observations.

• You do not need a lifted 4×4 if off-road means driving up on the curb at your kid’s elementary school.

• You do not need a truck if you’ve never put anything into the bed for fear of scratching the paint

• You do not need a motorcycle if you only get it out for the annual bike week parties.

• You do not need a lawnmower if you hire an illegal immigrant to do your yard work.

• You do not need a mountain bike if venture no further than grass in the greenbelt behind your home.

Posted in Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Sunday, May 9, 2010 by Dana.

For Cinco de Mayo, there was a great celebration at Loco Patron in Ahwatukee.  They had a giant inflatable slide and dunk tank for the kids to play in outside while the adults watched the basketball game and/or socialized with Mexican brews and Margaritas.  That was a lot of fun, and we went back for even more fun.

Karen grabbed her bikini for the return to Loco Patron, and then volunteered for the dunk tank.  Given her condition, we can call it a drunk tank. Whatever we call it, she made $50 in 10 minutes ($1/throw), and they let her keep all of it… which covered our expenses for the night! You rock, Karen!

Posted in Alcohol, Holidays, parents, kids, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Saturday, May 1, 2010 by Dana.

This is a list of things I did this week.  I think it is a good balance of geeky things and manly things.  Notice that #10 is both geeky and manly at the same time.

Posted in Technology, travel, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | 1 Comment »

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 by Dana.

I like to consider myself as being liberal, but I guess I won’t go so far as to call myself a Liberal. Damn bleeding hearts now want to prevent a Cuban restaurant from serving rabbit on Easter.  Rabbit is a common menu item in many countries, and just because someone has a soft spot for rabbits doesn’t mean a restaurant shouldn’t serve them.  It’s not like dog or cat is on the menu… geesh!  What’s next? No roast duck because little ducklings are cute on Easter?  I suppose a 3-egg omelet is out of the question on Easter too?

Posted in Holidays, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Monday, March 8, 2010 by Dana.

Last night I gave my own personal commentary on Twitter as I watched the Oscars.  If you missed it or don’t follow me on Twitter, here is a summary in reverse order (first tweet at bottom, most recent tweet at top), so you may want to read from the bottom up. 

• Hurt Locker puts a hurting on the others! Bummed that I haven’t seen it yet… and @Karen_Kline just turned the channel to Big Love. #oscars

• ZOMG! Is Jesse James crying in that cut-away shot? #oscars

• I think @Karen_Kline might go back to brunette to just to get more “you look like Sandra Bullock” comments. #oscars

• Props to the ceremony planners for the cool introductions of the Best Actor nominees #oscars

• Baldwin & Martin in snuggies! Best infomercial moment of the #oscars

• Avatar special effects made Sigourney Weaver look hot again - of course it would win! #oscars

• WTF? Interpretive dance routine from Napoleon Dynamite? Will you get to Best Pitcture award soon? #oscars

• Demi Moore, why did you skip the John Hughes tribute? And why did you let them paint you orange like Sarah Jessica Parker? #oscars

• Winner of sound something? Is that the villian from Die Hard? You’re brother squealed when I broke is F’ing neck! #oscars

• Half way through… lost 1 follower, gained 1.  #oscarcommentary

• Can you say condescending bitch? Nobody still knows who are.  What was your name? #oscars

• Mo’nique can probably give Mo’lovin. But wouldn’t want to piss her off - Mo’slappin! #oscars

• Don’t know what to say? Start with “Thank you!” And this guy is a writer? #fail #oscars

• Delightful squeal (from me this time) for Rachel McAddams #oscars

• Yes! Love the new Cottonelle Roll Over! 72% of us can’t be wrong! #oscarcommercials

• Couldn’ t they have done Best Make-up off the air? Did they just owe Stiller air time? #oscars

• Roger Ross WIlliams ran down to the stage from the back like he was the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Bid well! #oscars

• I think me and several million others killed imdb.com looking up some of this movie history and such #oscars

• Ok.. no knocks about John Hughes! I grew up with those movies! #oscars

• I have to see the Hurt Locker now. Just because I want to know why it has such a lame title. #oscars

• Do you feel extraordinary when you have diet coke WITH Jack Daniels? I feel invincible after 4 & asleep after 5. #oscarcommercials

• Another delightful squeal from @Karen_Kline “oohhh Chris Pine” #oscars

• Randy Newman tried to stack the deck with 2 songs! Nice try! #oscars

• Squirrel!!! #oscars

• More squeals of delight from @Karen_Kline for Ryan Reynolds #oscars

• I didn’t see a single movie from the Best Actor category. They must all suck. #oscars

• I like the bald Jeff Bridges from Ironman, but this facial hair is better. #oscars

• And this is Alec Baldwin. Classic! #oscars

• Shouldn’t they have gay men dancing in support of Neil Patrick Harris’ opening song? Wait… they’re there. #oscars

• Kathy Ireland! Even hotter than when in Necessary Roughness! I just eye-F’d her but she didn’t notice me through the camera #oscars

• Meryl Streep would be the coolest mom! You know she would totally party with you & probably drink you under the table! #oscars

• Good to see Kate Winslett being thinner than the fat Cameron Diaz, even if that Revolutionary Road movie sucked! #oscar

• WTF? Miley Cyrus is in the top 100 influential women? Too many sheep out there if you are a woman and influenced by her. #oscars

• Sadly, only 133 followers and my 13 yr old gets to see how witty I can be tonight #oscars commentary

• Cameron Diaz looks like she has been eating all of Sandra Bullock’s meals this week. Looks 20lbs from her Shallow Hal weight. #oscars

• Why is Sarah Jessica Parker colored orange? Is she the anti-Na’vi? #oscars

• Wife (@Karen_Kline) just squealed with delight, “Ahhh Ryan Reynolds! ” as he got 1.23 seconds of camera time #oscars

• Sandra Bullock did the “don’t eat for 1 wk before the Oscars” diet. Quick, someone give her a cheeseburger before she passes out!

• 5 min til I start tweeting about Oscar events you all watched an hour ago! Follow me if you are also slow

• The AZ timezone sucks for watching live events. I get to watch everything an hour everyone else is done talking about it.

Posted in Celebrities, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Sunday, March 7, 2010 by Dana.

Don’t stay at “historic” hotels if you want comfort, a nice bed, and a shower that does more than give you a warm water mist… and don’t eat the chef special because it just might be the nasty, old meat they are trying not to throw away.

Last night the wife and I drove up to Prescott from sunny Phoenix to party on historic Whiskey Row with our friend’s band. This time we decided to stay at the historic Hotel St. Michael just 2 doors down from the bar where our friend was playing.  We arrived around 8pm and checked-in to our 8’ x 10’ room with a view of the brick wall of the building next door.  We split the chef special at the hotel’s Bistro, washing it down with dirty vodka martinis.

We made it to Matt’s Saloon to have a drink with our friend’s band on their first set break. Over the 90 minutes, we danced and drank a little. Then at the start of the third set, the wife got sick.  Something came over her quickly, so we marched back to the hotel on the corner.  She fell asleep trying to make her tummy feel better, and I fell asleep next to her.  Then I developed the same stomach cramps with a bad headache sometime in the middle of the night.  We now think we both picked up some mild food poisoning from the meal we shared at the Bistro.  In the late morning, we rolled out of bed and hit the road after a quick shower.

The point of all this background information?  Now you know why you should not stay at “historic” hotels if you want comfort, a nice bed, and a shower that does more than give you a warm water mist… and don’t eat the chef special because it just might be the nasty, old meat they are trying not to throw away.

We’ll go back to staying at the Wyndham from now

Posted in Music, Disturbed, Weekend | Print | No Comments »

Thursday, March 4, 2010 by karen.

Public school in Disturbia isn’t quite the same as in a rural area.   Modern school, itself isn’t the same as it was 15yrs ago. 

My 4th grader has racked up 24 tardies this year.  Many are to be blamed on myself, however, it shouldn’t be overlooked that regardless of who’s fault, that number is absolutely absurd!  Today would have been #25 but he just stayed home instead.  I believe I was ‘played’ by him.  I understand he didn’t feel well upon waking up most likely due to the abundance of sugar he consumed yesterday.  It has been determined he has a sensitivity to sugar and highly processed foods.  He was up way past his bed time due to having trouble sleeping from the sugar.  Congrats to him for baking the cake on his own and making the frosting from scratch.   Kudos to me for actually having all the ingredients in the kitchen! 

He informed me he wishes to be home-schooled again and questioned why everyone in school is so immature.  I chuckled as he is probably the most immature boy in his class but I quickly learned his view of immaturity is quite different than mine.

In AZ, the schools are required to submit the students to standardized testing known as AIMS.  His scores last year were good.  I want to see what his scores are this year before deciding to home-school again.  I suspect they will not be as good as last year’s.  I am weighing the pros and cons.    

My goal as a parent is to raise my children to be happy, self sufficient and successful in their future whatever that may be.  I do not measure success in dollars. 

Home-schooling isn’t just a way to ‘get by’.  He was learning more last year and retaining it. The AIMS scores proved it.  Home-schooling has a stigma but it is becoming more & more common due to resources making it easier. 

Posted in parents, school, kids, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Thursday, March 4, 2010 by Dana.

As a youth baseball coach for the past 16 years, this crime really bothers me.  Good umpires for youth baseball are hard to find, and nearly all of them take more crap from parents eager to relieve their glory years through their boys.  You never hear a parent yell to their son, “be a good sport and accept the call that was made”.

http://www.azfamily.com/news/Payson-couple-accused-of-pocketing-money-paid-for-Little-League-umpires-86294562.html

So you have these underpaid umpires that range from high school kids to out of work parents to retirees, and they agree to be heckled and harassed for $25-$30 per game… to later be cheated out of their money by a couple of greedy scumbags.  Based on the mug shots showing the extra chins, they must have been using the money to dine out at the waffle house way too much.

What are your thoughts?

Posted in sports, Crime, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Sunday, February 28, 2010 by Dana.

The General Manager where I work gave me these nice Clubhouse tickets for Championship Sunday at the Waste Management Phoenix Open with a Valet Parking pass.  Sweet, right?  I don’t golf and never really attended a golf event to watch.  I have usually gone to take advantage of some vendor’s free stuff.  Mostly, we (my wife and I) really didn’t know what to expect about attending and being in the Clubhouse. I’d thought it would be cool. I was excited about attending and getting to watch from the Clubhouse hanging out with people with large disposable incomes.

The Clubhouse did have a great brunch buffet (free), all the drinks were complimentary (with well liquor), and the view of the 18^th green was nice (if we stood up to watch over everyone else standing up).  Other than that…  Nothing!  It turns out that only non-Golf fans can have fun by drinking too much or by being with the nutty crowd on the famous 16^th hole.  You could hear some loud cheers and boos from the 16^th hole in the distance, and when Team USA tied the hockey game against Canada with time running out, there was a loud roar from the all the sky boxes with TV’s.  So if everyone is watching TV in the sky boxes, it can’t rank high on the excitement meter to watch golf live.

We did walk down to the 16^th hole to check on the fun, but we didn’t feel like walking through mud to get to the bleachers, so we walked back to the Clubhouse for a final drink before leaving for the day. Basically, we spent the afternoon on a chilly patio drinking weak Bloody Mary’s, trying to avoid the urge to eat out of boredom.  It goes without saying that I would never waste money on paying to attend such an event, and if I get offered free tickets again, I’ll see sell them or try to trade them for a something more enjoyable, which could be almost anything including a back hair waxing.

Posted in sports, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »