Sunday, February 28, 2010 by Dana.

The General Manager where I work gave me these nice Clubhouse tickets for Championship Sunday at the Waste Management Phoenix Open with a Valet Parking pass.  Sweet, right?  I don’t golf and never really attended a golf event to watch.  I have usually gone to take advantage of some vendor’s free stuff.  Mostly, we (my wife and I) really didn’t know what to expect about attending and being in the Clubhouse. I’d thought it would be cool. I was excited about attending and getting to watch from the Clubhouse hanging out with people with large disposable incomes.

The Clubhouse did have a great brunch buffet (free), all the drinks were complimentary (with well liquor), and the view of the 18^th green was nice (if we stood up to watch over everyone else standing up).  Other than that…  Nothing!  It turns out that only non-Golf fans can have fun by drinking too much or by being with the nutty crowd on the famous 16^th hole.  You could hear some loud cheers and boos from the 16^th hole in the distance, and when Team USA tied the hockey game against Canada with time running out, there was a loud roar from the all the sky boxes with TV’s.  So if everyone is watching TV in the sky boxes, it can’t rank high on the excitement meter to watch golf live.

We did walk down to the 16^th hole to check on the fun, but we didn’t feel like walking through mud to get to the bleachers, so we walked back to the Clubhouse for a final drink before leaving for the day. Basically, we spent the afternoon on a chilly patio drinking weak Bloody Mary’s, trying to avoid the urge to eat out of boredom.  It goes without saying that I would never waste money on paying to attend such an event, and if I get offered free tickets again, I’ll see sell them or try to trade them for a something more enjoyable, which could be almost anything including a back hair waxing.

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Monday, February 22, 2010 by Dana.

A risqué web site offered the City of Phoenix $10 million to rename the airport for 5 years. This is analogous to businesses putting their lame names on beloved stadiums.  The question is… where does it stop?  Will we see a company like this drop $10 Million to pay people to wrap their cars to advertise their website?  Will troubled businesses add this company’s name in front of their automotive or airplane logos?  Will they convince a nearly bankrupt city, county, or state to rename train stations, parks, zoos, museums or other public facilities?

Sooner or later, it will happen… only in Disturbia!

Posted in Sex, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Sunday, February 14, 2010 by Dana.

It may sound like a silly question, but let’s pretend that it isn’t for a moment and list reasons your dog deserves something on Valentine’s Day.

Your dog:

1. Loves you unconditionally

2. Is always happy to see you

3. Will spoon with you without wanting sex

4. Will kiss you no matter where your mouth has been or how bad your breath is

5. Doesn’t care if you have if you have gained a few pounds or if you are having a bad hair day

6. Make great snuggle blankets

7. Can learn new tricks

8. Will not criticize you or bring up the fact that you forget to clean, cook, or do some other semi-important task

9. Is always willing to spend time with you

10. Will eat anything you make

Posted in Holidays, Pets, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Friday, February 12, 2010 by Dana.

How would you feel if your neighbor did this?

1. Don’t care
2. Angry and would let them know it
3. Report them to the HOA
4. Upset but pretend you don’t notice
5. Trip your shrubs like a breasts or a vagina
6. Excited about the traffic increase at your lemonade stand
7. Make a mental note to invite them to more pool parties

Note: You may pick more than 1 of the above.

Posted in Sex, parents, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | 3 Comments »

Sunday, February 7, 2010 by Dana.

The day of the big game… As usual, we have several options for watching it, but we choose to stay home.  Why?  A variety of reasons, but having an awesome wide-screen HDTV and surround sound system is NOT one of them.

Instead of discussing why we don’t go elsewhere, let me explain the advantages of staying home (not necessarily in order).

1. The kids are welcome
2. Inexpensive, higher quality food
3. No mark-up on the beer & liquor
4. No line for a clean bathroom
5. No drinking & driving risks
6. The dogs get to be there
7. Comfy couch
8. No tipping required
9. Easier to tweet during the game
10. Unlikely to get drinks spilled on us
11. No waiting for overburdened wait staff (the cooler is next to the couch).
12. No drama with other party guests
13. Kids can go to their own room if they a bored.
14. Screaming loud at the TV will not annoy any strangers
15. Nobody will see how big of a wuss I am when I eat seriously spicy guacamole
16. Added excitement of avoiding a dog attack when you get carried away with your high-fives
17. The ability to switch to an HBO movie if the game gets one-sided
18. We can watch the game wearing whatever we want, which means wife doesn’t have to keep re-applying lip gloss.
19. Pre-game co-ed showers (in the privacy of the master bathroom of course).
20. Half-time cul-de-sac football game!

Posted in Alcohol, kids, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Saturday, January 30, 2010 by Dana.

News bulletin… college kids are rowdy, and ASU is more rowdy than most.  Wait… that isn’t really news, is it?  On a particular slow news day, writers form the local PHX Metro rag took a few crime reports related to egg throwing (not cool) and wild parties (the norm?) to make it sound like there was something news-worthy to report… Here is the link, but you will want your 3 minutes back after you read it.

Posted in Crime, Alcohol, school, kids, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 by Dana.

The other day, the lives of PHX area strippers were threatened by a patron upset over the refusal to provide sex as part of the service. Read more about it here.

This led me to think about what jobs are most dangerous here in Disturbia.  A little research will lead to a list of dangerous jobs such as coal miner, logger, crab fisherman, steel worker, etc.; however, people in those jobs know the work is dangerous.  I believe that routine jobs that should be safe are really more dangerous.   The workers have no idea of the dangers, and they aren’t taking any precautions to limit the dangers.

Here is my list of most dangerous jobs in AZ Disturbia (aka the PHX Metro area):

Posted in Crime, Weapons, Drugs, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | 2 Comments »

Friday, January 15, 2010 by Dana.

Local news… more white collar crime by idiots.  In this case, a couple embezzles from a charter school.  A note in the article states they are looking for the husband in this case.  I’m just wondering if he is running from the law or if his wife’s scary mug shot is motivating his flight.

Posted in Crime, school, Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Sunday, January 10, 2010 by Dana.

So the local news website posts a link about a possibly suicidal missing woman, then the follow-up article after she turns up fine calls her out and broadcasts her name and personal issues to the entire metro area (and whoever else reads the link).Gee… is she going to feel good about herself now?

Posted in Suburbia, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »

Friday, January 1, 2010 by Dana.

Happy New Year! I’m awake at 7am on 1/1/2010 to make predictions.

1. My 1st nap of 2010 will occur today (1/1/2010).
2. My dogs will boycott making resolutions to behave better.
3. My car will get stolen forcing me to get a newer one that doesn’t need shocks, breaks, or general maintenance.  Wait… no… I sense that is just wishful thinking on my part.
4. I will put away Holiday decorations with a vow to get better ones for outside next year.  I will end up putting up the same crappy decorations after Thanksgiving, except 2 more strands of lights will quit working.
5. Based on straight party line voting, we will get a national health care system. Due to all the compromises, it will be so watered-down and confusing, that people will complain about it well into 2011. Republicans will still do nothing to reverse the damages caused by 8 years of the Bush administration.
6. My discontent for suburbia will make me search for a rural home with no neighbors within 300 yards. The kids will beg us to not move to the middle of nowhere, so I will still be blogging about Disturbia into 2011.
7. My middle child will hit a growth spurt around his 13th birthday in March and will be as tall as me by 2011.

Ok… Now for some real predictions

1. The Tempe woman that showed up in Miami without her 8-month old that was last seen in San Antonio will confess to killing her child after her boy is discovered in her abandoned vehicle.
2. A major earthquake will create a giant sinkhole in Mexico south of Yuma, AZ.  It will create a beautiful spring-filled lake that turns Yuma, AZ into a major tourist town.
3. Android-based phones will outnumber iPhones. Apple products will revert to a minor cult status for a few years until they wow us again with a new system using a holographic projection display and thought recognition for system input.

Posted in Crime, Desert, Technology, Holidays, kids, Suburbia, Pets, Neighbors, Disturbed | Print | No Comments »