Our 8th grader on the other hand has decided to make this year his best yet.  He is planning on trying out for the basketball team, baseball team, obtain better grades (if not A’s) and be in the school musical for the 3rd year.  You could also say he wants to have stud status since he likes having a ‘girlfriend’ which means, he texts her and can change his Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’. Way to go son!  I’ve already received a call from one of his disturbia teachers. The conversation was a bit like this:

T: Mrs. ****

M: Yes.

T: I’m calling you to discuss ****

M: OK

T: Do you know what a few of the boys were doing over the weekend?

M: Uh, well, yeah….but I guess not. What have they been doing?

T: It appears a few of the boys have been lighting themselves on fire by spraying Axe on their skin.

M: Oh yeah. (pause) I know. **** was very proud & showed me. It looked pretty cool.

T: (light gasp) So you know about this??

M: Yeah. He asked me if he could do it and was very persistent. I finally told him ‘ok’ he had to do it in front of me.

(Can you say white trash? “Hey mom, watch this!” sort of thing)

T: I think you should know one of the students has an infection and missed school yesterday.

M: Oh, Ok. Yeah, I know him.

T: This is a serious matter, Mrs. *****. Kids are getting hurt. He had an infection and had to miss school!

M: Ok.

(I got the feeling she doesn’t know what to say at this point.)

T: Do you watch Dr. Phil?

(What?!)

M: I know who he is and I’ve seen a few episodes. Why?

T: I think you and your family should watch him today. I feel you would benefit from him.

M: Ok, why? What is he having on his show today?

T: Dr. Phil is having a discussion about children lighting themselves on fire.

M: Ok, I will look into it.

Are you kidding me???  I’m sorry the boy got hurt, but guess what, he is my son’s best friend and I already spoke to his mom. She was there when my son showed us. What the teacher doesn’t realize is for my son, it’s a magic trick, not ’setting himself on fire’. We are talking about the boy who had a quarter removed from his esophagus when he was 10yrs old for attempting a ‘trick’. My friend was initially upset but now gets a kick out of the situation as she said it best “He’s such a dumb ass”.  

I did the typical mom thing.  I called my 13yr old and cursed at him for making me look bad.  He finally understood I wasn’t upset with him for doing the ‘trick’ but for discussing it at school. I informed him he cannot tell everyone the shit I let them do since many disturbia folks would call CPS on my ass. Trust me, I would have a field day with CPS.

After discussing this with a few people (my rural living sister included), I question if this is really a teacher’s duty? I think it’s a fine line. The ‘dumb ass’ act didn’t occur on school campus or during school hours. Ms. Disturbia Teacher, save your breathe for the incompetent parent or the truly abused child who needs you to step in.

Days 1-2 – The Drive

Karen spends 2 grueling days driving long hours to get to KY as fast as is possible with 2 kids and large dogs.  During the drive out, there is a 50% chance of a getting a speeding ticket.  The highlights of the drive will include a photo of the youngest boy, Seth, with a dog asleep on his lap in the backseat and a story of how Shade got multiple semi’s to honk by giving the “honk your horn” gesture to the drivers.

Days 3-5 – The Joy of KY

For the first few days, everything is wonderful. The dogs are having fun running on the farm. The kids are enjoying the free range as well.  Basically, everyone is enjoying being loud, obnoxious, and generally free of neighbors 20 yards away behind the block wall.  There will be a couple complaints about family, but it is generally laughed off as no big deal.  We have a couple broken phone calls due to poor mobile phone service at the family farm, and the text messages are related to missing each other and wishing I had gone to KY with them.

Days 6-7 – This Got Old Quick

Just as Ben Franklin said, “Fish and visitors stink after three days.”  In this case, Karen, the kids, and the dogs are the stinky visitors.  During these days, politeness begins to break down, and Karen has an intoxicated moment of honesty where she realizes how much she really doesn’t enjoy the small town atmosphere.  She decides to just deal with everyone as best as possible because the kids are having such a great time.

Days 8-12 – Venture Out

In this middle part of the vacation, Karen focuses on getting off the farm to visit places she has missed such as King’s Island, Newport on the Levee, the baseball park, etc.  Also, Karen usually finds at least a couple different people to go out drinking with her (so she doesn’t have to drive). At least one of the drinking buddies will be someone she hasn’t been out with since high school or someone she met on-line.

Days 13-16 – Coming Out of Turn Four

By this time, Karen is very ready to return to Disturbia, Shade is bored with the farm, and Piper has bitten more than 3 family members or pets.  Karen’s family shows signs of fatigue trying to keep up with her, Shade, Seth, & the dogs.

Days 17-19 – The Return to Home Stretch

Karen has planned her departure details, ranted about family members via text messages, and got on-line to tweet or chat for the purpose of making fun of people that she used to go to high school with that are now big losers.  Shade has packed for the return trip, and Seth wants to move to KY. Seth has also slept in Karen’s bed every night even though he was too old for that 3 years ago.

Days 20-21 – Fast Drive Home

Karen sets out with the idea of taking a more leisure drive home, but she ends up making the trip back in 28 hours of driving over 2 days.  If she didn’t get a speeding ticket on the way out, there is a 100% chance she will get one on the way back.  Otherwise, it is a 50% chance of getting a ticket.

• You do not need a lifted 4×4 if off-road means driving up on the curb at your kid’s elementary school.

• You do not need a truck if you’ve never put anything into the bed for fear of scratching the paint

• You do not need a motorcycle if you only get it out for the annual bike week parties.

• You do not need a lawnmower if you hire an illegal immigrant to do your yard work.

• You do not need a mountain bike if venture no further than grass in the greenbelt behind your home.

For Cinco de Mayo, there was a great celebration at

Karen grabbed her bikini for the return to Loco Patron, and then volunteered for the dunk tank.  Given her condition, we can call it a drunk tank. Whatever we call it, she made $50 in 10 minutes ($1/throw), and they let her keep all of it… which covered our expenses for the night! You rock, Karen!

I also ran into several friends that also made me feel “not too old” to be there.  I think I am older than all of them, but having friends there made me feel like I did belong.  Final thought… I’m not too old for the Suburban Festival Concert. After all, if Danzig is one of the acts, there are probably many people older than me at the show.

Here are some photos from the event:

Tomorrow my sexy wife and I are going to an all-day festival concert called UFest hosted by a local radio station,

I’ll be tweeting during the event until my battery dies. Hope I can find a place in the VIP area to charge my phone.  If not, I think I’ll take a small notepad to keep track of my observations and what I overheard so I can blog about it later.

We’ve had a wet winter in the Sonoran Desert, which has led to some of the greenest “carpet” on the mountains that I’ve ever seen here.  Our hike on Sunday morning was beautiful.  I snapped this photo, which included a lovely patch of yellow wild flowers near the top of the ridge.

All the lush vegetation yields more insects à more lizards & birds à more small mammals & snakes à more birds of prey & larger mammals, such as this coyote roaming the streets near our house.

So what is the downside?

1.       More risk to house pets from birds of prey and coyotes.

2.       Huge risk of wildfires when the heat comes this summer.

3.       My allergies (and everyone else allergic to pollen) going crazy.

All in all… the downsides are no biggie, don’t you think?

Last night I gave my own personal commentary on Twitter as I watched the Oscars.  If you missed it or don’t follow me on Twitter, here is a summary in reverse order (first tweet at bottom, most recent tweet at top), so you may want to read from the bottom up.

• Hurt Locker puts a hurting on the others! Bummed that I haven’t seen it yet… and @Karen_Kline just turned the channel to Big Love. #oscars

• ZOMG! Is Jesse James crying in that cut-away shot? #oscars

• I think @Karen_Kline might go back to brunette to just to get more “you look like Sandra Bullock” comments. #oscars

• Props to the ceremony planners for the cool introductions of the Best Actor nominees #oscars

• Baldwin & Martin in snuggies! Best infomercial moment of the #oscars

• Avatar special effects made Sigourney Weaver look hot again - of course it would win! #oscars

• WTF? Interpretive dance routine from Napoleon Dynamite? Will you get to Best Pitcture award soon? #oscars

• Demi Moore, why did you skip the John Hughes tribute? And why did you let them paint you orange like Sarah Jessica Parker? #oscars

• Winner of sound something? Is that the villian from Die Hard? You’re brother squealed when I broke is F’ing neck! #oscars

• Half way through… lost 1 follower, gained 1.  #oscarcommentary

• Can you say condescending bitch? Nobody still knows who are.  What was your name? #oscars

• Mo’nique can probably give Mo’lovin. But wouldn’t want to piss her off - Mo’slappin! #oscars

• Don’t know what to say? Start with “Thank you!” And this guy is a writer? #fail #oscars

• Delightful squeal (from me this time) for Rachel McAddams #oscars

• Yes! Love the new Cottonelle Roll Over! 72% of us can’t be wrong! #oscarcommercials

• Couldn’ t they have done Best Make-up off the air? Did they just owe Stiller air time? #oscars

• Roger Ross WIlliams ran down to the stage from the back like he was the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Bid well! #oscars

• I think me and several million others killed imdb.com looking up some of this movie history and such #oscars

• Ok.. no knocks about John Hughes! I grew up with those movies! #oscars

• I have to see the Hurt Locker now. Just because I want to know why it has such a lame title. #oscars

• Do you feel extraordinary when you have diet coke WITH Jack Daniels? I feel invincible after 4 & asleep after 5. #oscarcommercials

• Another delightful squeal from @Karen_Kline “oohhh Chris Pine” #oscars

• Randy Newman tried to stack the deck with 2 songs! Nice try! #oscars

• Squirrel!!! #oscars

• More squeals of delight from @Karen_Kline for Ryan Reynolds #oscars

• I didn’t see a single movie from the Best Actor category. They must all suck. #oscars

• I like the bald Jeff Bridges from Ironman, but this facial hair is better. #oscars

• And this is Alec Baldwin. Classic! #oscars

• Shouldn’t they have gay men dancing in support of Neil Patrick Harris’ opening song? Wait… they’re there. #oscars

• Kathy Ireland! Even hotter than when in Necessary Roughness! I just eye-F’d her but she didn’t notice me through the camera #oscars

• Meryl Streep would be the coolest mom! You know she would totally party with you & probably drink you under the table! #oscars

• Good to see Kate Winslett being thinner than the fat Cameron Diaz, even if that Revolutionary Road movie sucked! #oscar

• WTF? Miley Cyrus is in the top 100 influential women? Too many sheep out there if you are a woman and influenced by her. #oscars

• Sadly, only 133 followers and my 13 yr old gets to see how witty I can be tonight #oscars commentary

• Cameron Diaz looks like she has been eating all of Sandra Bullock’s meals this week. Looks 20lbs from her Shallow Hal weight. #oscars

• Why is Sarah Jessica Parker colored orange? Is she the anti-Na’vi? #oscars

• Wife (@Karen_Kline) just squealed with delight, “Ahhh Ryan Reynolds! ” as he got 1.23 seconds of camera time #oscars

• Sandra Bullock did the “don’t eat for 1 wk before the Oscars” diet. Quick, someone give her a cheeseburger before she passes out!

• 5 min til I start tweeting about Oscar events you all watched an hour ago! Follow me if you are also slow

• The AZ timezone sucks for watching live events. I get to watch everything an hour everyone else is done talking about it.